The Kid Who had a Mountain of Smut Under His Bed
June 2, 2009
My 9 year old friend was a god. His name was Justin; he was a deaf, black kid that visited in the summer. And he was a god.
He was the proud owner of small mountain of Playboy magazines. I was among two other fortunate little boys that would huddle around the “T&A” booty like it was a bond fire in a cold industrial wasteland on the outskirts of a forgotten city.
It was the physical manifestation of pre-ejaculant dreams yet to come, the wet dream we didn’t know we wanted and all before I’d discovered the magic of masturbation… which made it extra special.
It was something like 1984, back when MJ was still black and Ronald Reagan was still the American anti-Christ, Persona non grata among negros.. good times, good times, but I digress.
Each picture was like a drug we injected directly into our balls through our eyes. A hit would make our hearts race, our mouths salivate and our wood sported all at the same time. Who the hell needed Viagra? It was the 1980s and we were children with softpr0n, baby!
I remember being both captivated and repulsed by the first neatly shaven “coochie” on a woman I’d ever seen. Having three sisters, I’d seen what a vagina looked like on a girl. It was a triangle and a line, nothing special or fascinating, no magic or mystery. But these were not girls, these were WOMEN. And they had a clitoris. In nearly every picture, the fleshy flap of skin was teasing like someone displaying a mean tongue.
“What the heck is that?” Someone asked.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“It’s called a clit,” said Cameron. Cameron was Justin’s older brother. We was about three years older than us. He was a very smart and quiet kid.
The whole experience was like sex-ed without the sex. With the exception of Marky, who was about seven, we all had a basic idea of what was supposed to happen with sexual intercourse. At the time the whole thing was still mostly a curiosity. On any given day you could catch us drawing a stick figure with giant, sloppy breasts bigger than its miss-happened head. We had no clue about anything so it was a thrill.
These days Playboy gives me about the same thrill as a cool invention in Popular Mechanics. Its not that the ladies are less babe-O-licious or that I prefer dudes. Its just that I’m a sexually desensitized, screwed up and kinky adult that needs more than airbrushed, glamour shots to get a jolt. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there is the occasional gorgeous goddess cut from a different mould than the cloned, blonde Barbie factories that are still over saturating the adult market.
But these days the models have to seem real. That or there has to be some bite with a twist of the demented (that I will spare you in order to preserve the sanctity of your soul) to give me the same hit that it did in the 80s. If you are curious about the “demented” than I’ll give you a hint:
2 pkg. lemon Jello
2 c. boiling water
2 c. cold water
1 sm. can crushed pineapple, drained
2 bananas, sliced
Miniature marshmallows
*I told you it wasn’t pretty. If you have Google it and figured it out the mere knowledge of it is going to send you directly to HELL
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuck in the 80s Blogger on Penn & Teller Bullshit
January 9, 2008
Steve Spears is a Time online editor who runs the Stuck in the 80s blog.
He lucked out. He’s going to see Dennis DeYoung with Night Ranger on Jan. 19 at Clearwater’s Ruth Eckerd Hall. While there, he will be interviewing other 80’s freaks like you and I.
Sounds cool, huh… until he mentioned that he is doing it for the Penn & Teller’s show, Bullshit. If you have NEVER seen the show you are in luck. The show spends thousands of dollars to give a one-sided cynical, mean spirited, nihilistic, pseudoskepticism spin on every thing that anyone loves. They set out to conducted smear campaigns against everything for no reason. I’m certain that they would take that as a compliment… seriously. I hope they will do a “Bullshit” special about how THEIR show is bullshit, sleight of hand, smoke and mirrors, misdirection and mudslinging at its nastiest. Lately, every piece and oppinion I see from Penn & Teller is submerged in this sort of shock media like the “art” of Andres Serranos.
My comment to Steve: These guys did an hour long show blasting Mother Theresa & Mahatma Gandhi.. what do you think they’ll do to a Time online editor.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Fan has a Transformer focused Website
July 5, 2006
“I came across this site while trying to find some cool transformers video footage…Looks pretty sweet…Really cool clips
Due to popular demand and the massive amounts of email, I've decided to create this web page devoted entirely to the VW transformer clip to hopefully answer your questions and show you how it was..”
Mike Smiths got all kinda of cool transformer related stuff on his site.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Could this be the Worst Music Video of all time?
July 5, 2006
WARNING: Watch this video at your own risk! It is an '80s music video called “I Wanna Love You Tender” by the Finnish pop duo Armi and Danny. “Don't watch too long or your eyes will burn and your head will explode!” I had to stop watching for safety reasons after a minute because I could feel the pressure building up inside my head!
Popularity: 2% [?]
MC Hammer declares it's "HammerTime," returns with new album
July 5, 2006
80s rap superstar and the man who coined the all encompassing phrase “2legit2quit” has returned to the music scene completely “washed up” and “has been” ready for a rise to rap stardom once again. His new album “Look Look Look” is available on iTunes complete with low profile guest apearances and cheesy cover art.
Popularity: 2% [?]
First Kiss, Summertime, 20 year nostalgia
July 5, 2006
I love the 80s. I was born in 1974 so most of my childhood memories are from the 80s.
My first kiss was in the 80s. It was beautiful disater that for some reason reminds me of
Nocera’s 1987 song “summertime, summertime”. Remember that song:
Chorus:
Take me
Take me to the water
Summertime, Summertime
Maybe, we can fall in love
In Summertime, SummertimeI listen to the rain outside
Please come and take me for a ride
I really want you
To come and take me far away
I want to sayChorus
I’m here lying on the sand
You look down to me and take my hand
I can’t believe it’s true
But you got me after thee
Until you sayChorus
I’m in my 30’s now with two kids (as of 2006). Time seems to go faster and faster with each passing year. I no longer have the sweet naivety of youth. Youth is relative. My co-workers (most at least 15 years older than me) still see me as a kid. Youth seems so disposable to me now but when I had it I felt like I would will live forever. I don’t have that luxury anymore because. I’ve felt the death of too many of my loved ones.
I find myself looking back and wondering where all those summers of “firsts” went: first kisses, first girl friend, first job, first… everything. Sade said it best: “never as good as the first time”.
With a smile on my face, I know that 20 years is really no time at all. I am certain that if I am lucky enough to reach 50, I’ll look back on all those decades I will have lived and smile and laugh the hardest at the 1980s and my childhood summers that are for me 20 years ago as of 2006.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Electro funk 80s
July 4, 2006
2 electro funk music videos from 80s:
1) Afrika Bambaataa - “Planet Rock”.
2) Shannon - “Let the Music Play” (produced by Chris Barbosa).
80s had great funk.
Popularity: 2% [?]
The Intro to G.I. Joe the Movie
July 4, 2006
How many people remember the movie? It wasn't released in theaters, but it star Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, and Sgt. Slaughter. Classic 80s 
cobra is like a happy, lovable cartoon version of the nazi's.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Happy Independence Day… A-HA style!
July 4, 2006
Celebrate America's indepedence with the most amazing music video of the 1980s! It just proves what a great country America is for brilliant artists like A-ha to have the freedom to sing those immortal words… TAKE ON ME! TAKE ME ON!
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The C64 Orchestra: The C64 classics, played by a classical orchestra.
July 4, 2006
C64 Orchestra approached two of the most experienced C64-users from the 1980s, Rob Hubbard and Jeroen Tel. The current work of these two Commodore 64 musicians intend their compositions to be exploited with the aid of a classical orchestra. This video shows the 1st rehearsal + interviews with the composers. Performances will start in fall '06.
Popularity: 2% [?]
