Confessions of a Jheri Curl

It was 1986 and the Jheri curl was wet, sexy and cool.

For the glistening shiny look you had to spray it with activator every few hours, you had to endure the occasional chemical burn on your scalp and you had to live with Jheri curl juice stains. I know this because I am a Jheri Curl juice survivor. It is with great shame that I confess my Jheri curl survival.

My Chemical Romance?

Before you pass judgment on my chemical dependency please remember that the Jheri curl was actually considered attractive. I had girls approach me when my hair was dripping with activator. Also, keep in mind that it was the 80s so there were scores of hairstyle atrocities against humanity that were not only accepted but considered “totally awesome”, “fresh”, “killer” or whatever other stupid 80s superlative you want to nail to it. Here are a few awful hairstyles that were considered “gnarly”:

the mullet/mouse tail. Any combination of short or medium length hair followed by a long crop of uncut trashiness in the back. Large side burns and/or spiky top a plus.

new “flock of seagulls” wave. Basically a reverse mullet with highlights and make up. Really long bangs that can be combed over half of the face.

Big Rocker hairs. See Poison (80s).

Gumby. Hair cut short on the sides, combed high on top of the head and shaped at an angle like Gumby’s head.

Knowing that there were other terrible hairstyles running free in the wild does not make me feel any better about having a Jheri curl. Furthermore, I don’t want or need you filthy pity. I just want you to understand the context of my addiction to hair chemicals.

What Would Jesus Do?

Just then a rooster crowed a second time. Peter remembered that Jesus said to him, “Before a rooster crows twice, you will say three times that you don’t know me.” Then Peter began to cry very hard. – Mark 14:72

I knew at the time how blasphemous the Jherri curl was. Once my friends father asked me: “what happened to your hair? Is that a Jherri curl?” And I denied it. Yeah.. that’s right. I lied to his face even as imagines spraying activator in his face. I said it was just water in my hair of something equally ridiculous because water alone would never make my hair less nappy than it was.

If Jesus had come back in the 1988, as predicted by American Evangelist Hal Lindsey, I don’t think that the Son of Man would have sported a Jheri curl. Don’t get me wrong, it would be kind of cool to see Jesus sporting a curl or a perm like Reverend Sharpton, but honestly he’s a savior NOT a pimp.

So how did I overcome the sacrilege of World’s of Curl? Three words – Male Patterned Baldness. While being bald does not win me the side long glances of the ladies, it does grant something that activator never did: human dignity.

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